'giving up dosen't always mean you are weak. sometimes it just means you are you are strong enough to let go.'
went for a knee check-up yesterday. doctor said that i had a problem that only affects 5% of the army o.o and even lesser in females O.O what is the problem? my ligament is REALLY tensed and can't seem to relax. >.> well, i forgot to ask if it was too tight would it snap, but, anyway, the message seems to have gotten across to me and i'm starting to take care. he said that if i REALLY wanted to loosen it that badly, i have to go for an operation: drill two holes in my knee and cut the ligament. he then said that the ligament would automatically shrink back. spiffy, huh?
maturity has been an issue that has bothered me over the past few weeks. not in terms of puberty, but in terms of behaviour, conduct and mentality. sometimes i think that i've somehow frozen somewhere along the way. am i mature enough? do i have to start being mature? but, really, what is the defination of 'being mature'? people say grow up. but how? in what way? in what sense? i really don't understand.
my dad is always shouting and nagging at me. he has just confiscated my notebook. so i would not be able to post for quite sometime. excuse? he was not satisfied with my CT1 results. reason? he did not go to the parent-teacher meeting. he did not try to understand. he did not see my face when mr tan talked to my mum and i. he is not even making an effort to understand me, but takes away things from me. so why should i make an effort to try to live up to his expectations?
all he knows about me is that i am 'stupider then my friends'. oh sorry. it's and assumption. but whatever. he does not like the word 'average'. he LOVES the word top. oh what crap. does this what they mean by 'internal conflict' or 'family problems'? should i let him read my blog? i try to understand him, but he just cuts in with his sharp tongue and make me cry. really, what kinda man is he?
oh i don't care already. i'm tired of trying to care. tired of trying to understand. tired of trying to mend this big, black hole that only hurts me.
andy called out to me again last night. perhaps i'm going to join him soon? or was he giving me a sign?